Talk With Gloria
By Gloria O Ukamaka
In Part 1, we talked about something most people don’t want to hear: quarreling is not normal, and it’s certainly not proof of love.
We unpacked how society has normalized chaos in relationships, how quarreling reveals unhealed wounds you didn’t even know you had, and how the absence of love shows up as shouting matches, broken objects, and words you can never take back.
But here’s the question I know you’ve been asking: “Okay, so if quarreling is bad, what do I do when conflict shows up? Because disagreements are going to happen.”
You’re absolutely right. Conflict is inevitable. You’re two different people with different backgrounds, perspectives, and triggers. You will disagree. You will hurt each other, sometimes without meaning to. You will have moments where you’re frustrated, upset, or disappointed.
But here’s the truth that will change everything: conflict is inevitable. Quarreling is optional.
You can disagree without disrespect. You can be upset without being destructive. You can resolve tension without screaming, slamming doors, or bringing up everything they’ve ever done wrong since 2019.
And today, I’m going to show you exactly how.
Not theory. Not fluff. Practical tools you can use the next time conflict shows up in your relationship.
But first, let me tell you how I handle conflict, because I think it’ll help you see that this is actually possible.
MY PERSONAL APPROACH: WHY I REFUSE TO QUARREL
I don’t quarrel. I made that decision a long time ago, and I’ve stuck to it.
Does that mean I never get upset? No. Does it mean I never disagree with my partner? Absolutely not. Does it mean I avoid hard conversations? Not even close.
What it means is that I refuse to engage in conflict from a place of anger.
Here’s what I do when tension starts to rise:
I withdraw. Not in a petty, silent treatment kind of way. But intentionally. I’ll say, “I need a moment,” and I’ll step away. I’ll go for a walk. I’ll sit outside. I’ll do something that physically removes me from the heated environment.
And here’s why: I know myself well enough to know that if I engage while I’m angry, I will say things I don’t mean. I’ll react instead of respond. I’ll hurt instead of heal.
So I give myself space to cool down. To pray. To think clearly. To separate what I’m feeling from what’s actually true.
And then, when I’m calm, I come back. I sit down. And I say, “We need to talk about what happened.”
Not from anger. From love. Not to win. To understand.
And that shift, from reacting in the heat of the moment to responding from a place of peace, has saved me from so much unnecessary damage.
Because here’s what I’ve realized: when you talk from anger, you’re not trying to solve the problem. You’re trying to hurt the person who hurt you. And that’s not conflict resolution. That’s revenge.
But when you talk from love? You’re actually trying to fix what’s broken. And that makes all the difference.
WHY MOST CONFLICT RESOLUTION FAILS
Before we get into what works, let’s talk about why most people fail at resolving conflict peacefully.
1. They don’t know their conflict style.
Most people have never stopped to think about how they handle conflict. They just react the way they’ve always reacted, usually the way they learned growing up.
If your parents screamed at each other, you probably scream.
If your mom gave the silent treatment, you probably do the same.
If your dad was the “my way or the highway” type, you probably try to dominate conversations.
You’ve never questioned it. You’ve never asked, “Is this actually working? Or am I just repeating a pattern?”
2. They listen to respond, not to understand.
Here’s what happens in most arguments: Person A is talking, and Person B is just waiting for their turn to speak. They’re not actually listening. They’re preparing their defense. Loading their counterattack. Planning what they’re going to say to prove they’re right.
And because no one is actually *hearing* each other, the fight just keeps escalating.
3. They’re more interested in winning than in resolving.
Let’s be honest. Most people don’t enter conflict wanting peace. They want to be right. They want to win. They want the other person to admit they were wrong, apologize, and bow down to their superior logic.
And as long as that’s your goal, you will never resolve anything. Because conflict resolution isn’t about winning. It’s about understanding, compromising, and moving forward together.
4. They bring up the past.
“Oh, you’re upset about this? Well, remember three years ago when you did that thing? And last month when you said this? And that time you forgot my birthday?”
Listen, if you’re keeping a record of wrongs, you’re not fighting to resolve. You’re fighting to punish. And punishment doesn’t lead to peace. It leads to resentment.
So if most people are getting it wrong, what does it look like to get it right?
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT STYLES: WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
Before I give you the practical tools, you need to understand something: people handle conflict in different ways. And if you don’t know your style (and your partner’s style), you’re going to keep missing each other.
Here are the five main conflict styles:
1. Avoiding – You hate conflict so much that you just… don’t. You change the subject. You pretend everything is fine. You give one-word answers and hope it blows over.
Problem: Nothing actually gets resolved. It just builds up until you explode.
2. Accommodating – You always give in to keep the peace. “Fine, whatever you want.” You don’t want to fight, so you just agree even when you don’t.
Problem: You lose yourself. And eventually, you resent the person you keep sacrificing for.
3. Competing – You need to win. Every disagreement is a debate, and you’re bringing receipts, logic, and evidence to prove you’re right.
Problem: Your partner feels attacked, not heard. And winning an argument but losing the relationship isn’t actually winning.
4. Compromising – You’re willing to meet in the middle. “Okay, I’ll give a little, you give a little.”
Benefit: This works in some situations. But not everything can be compromised, and sometimes it just means both people are unhappy.
5. Collaborating – You genuinely want to understand their perspective and find a solution that works for both of you. You’re not trying to win. You’re trying to solve it together.
Benefit: This is the healthiest approach. It takes more time and effort, but it actually resolves the issue and strengthens the relationship.
Which one are you? Be honest. Because if you’re stuck in avoiding, competing, or always accommodating, you’re going to keep having the same unresolved conflicts over and over again.
The goal is to move toward collaboration. And the two methods I’m about to share with you will help you get there.
METHOD 1: ACTIVE LISTENING AND SPEAKING
This sounds simple, but most people have never actually done it.
Active listening means you’re not just hearing words. You’re trying to understand what the person is really saying, what they’re really feeling, and why it matters to them.
Here’s how it works:
Step 1: Let them speak without interrupting.
I know. I know. You want to defend yourself. You want to explain why they’re wrong. But hold on. Let them finish. Completely.
Step 2: Repeat back what you heard.
Before you respond, say, “So what I’m hearing is…” and summarize what they just said. This does two things:
– It shows them you were actually listening.
– It gives them a chance to correct you if you misunderstood.
Step 3: Validate their feelings (even if you disagree with their perspective).
You don’t have to agree with them to acknowledge that their feelings are real. Say things like:
– “I can see why that hurt you.”
– “I understand why you’d feel that way.”
– “That makes sense from your perspective.”
Step 4: Now, share your side.
But when you do, don’t attack. Don’t defend. Just explain. “Here’s what I was thinking…” “Here’s where I was coming from…”
Step 5: Ask questions to understand better.
“What would have helped in that moment?” “What do you need from me going forward?” “How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
This approach completely changes the dynamic. Because when people feel heard, they stop fighting to be heard. When they feel validated, they soften. And when you both feel understood, resolution becomes possible.
METHOD 2: THE XYZ FRAMEWORK
This is one of the most powerful tools I’ve ever learned for conflict resolution, and it’s so simple you can start using it today.
Instead of saying, “You always do this! You never listen to me! You’re so selfish!” (which immediately puts them on the defensive), you use the XYZ Framework:
“When you did X, in situation Y, I felt Z.”
Let me show you how this works in real scenarios:
Instead of: “You never care about my feelings!”
Say: “When you didn’t call me back (X), after I told you I really needed to talk (Y), I felt like I wasn’t important to you (Z).”
Instead of: “You’re always on your phone!”
Say: “When you were scrolling on your phone (X), while I was trying to tell you about my day (Y), I felt ignored (Z).”
Instead of: “You don’t appreciate anything I do!”
Say: “When I cooked dinner and you didn’t say anything about it (X), after I spent two hours preparing it (Y), I felt unappreciated (Z).”
See the difference?
The first approach attacks their character. The second approach focuses on a specific action, a specific situation, and your feeling.
It removes blame. It removes exaggeration (“you always,” “you never”). And it gives them something concrete to respond to instead of just feeling attacked.
This is how you disagree without destroying.
WHY CONFLICT MUST BE RESOLVED BEFORE NIGHTFALL
Here’s something I’m really passionate about, and it comes straight from Scripture:
Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Conflict cannot exceed a day.
I don’t care how tired you are. I don’t care how hurt you are. I don’t care if you “just need space.” If you go to bed angry, you’re giving the enemy a foothold in your relationship.
Here’s what happens when you let conflict linger:
Day 1: You’re upset, but it’s still fresh. You could still talk about it.
Day 2: Now you’re not just upset about the issue. You’re upset that they haven’t apologized yet. You’re upset that they seem fine while you’re hurting.
Day 3: Now you’re building a case. “This is just like that other time…” You’re adding to the list of grievances.
Day 7: The atmosphere is toxic. You can’t even look at each other. Every little thing becomes another fight.
And by the time you finally talk (if you even do), you’re not just addressing the original issue. You’re addressing a week’s worth of bitterness, assumption, and resentment.
This is why I refuse to let misunderstandings exceed a day.
I cannot function in a toxic environment. I cannot go days, weeks, or months holding onto unresolved tension. And honestly? I don’t understand how people do it.
Some people will quarrel with their partner and not speak for a week. A month. And I’m over here like, “How? How do you live like that?”
Because here’s what you should know: the longer you wait, the harder it gets. The wound festers. The hurt deepens. And what could have been a ten-minute conversation turns into an all-night argument because you let it sit for too long.
So resolve it. Today. Before you go to bed. Even if the resolution is just, “I’m still upset, but I don’t want us to go to bed angry. Can we agree to talk about this tomorrow when we’re both calmer?”
That’s still resolution. That’s still choosing peace over pride.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO QUARREL BUT YOU DON’T
Okay, real talk. What do you do when you’re committed to peace, but your partner wants to fight?
They’re yelling. You’re calm. They’re bringing up the past. You’re trying to stay focused. They want a screaming match. You want a conversation.
Here’s what you do:
1. Don’t match their energy.
Just because they’re yelling doesn’t mean you have to yell back. In fact, the calmer you stay, the more likely they are to eventually calm down too.
2. Set a boundary.
Say something like, “I hear that you’re upset, and I want to talk about this. But I’m not going to yell. When you’re ready to talk calmly, I’m here.”
3. Walk away if necessary.
And I don’t mean storm off in anger. I mean calmly say, “I need some space right now. I’m going to step away, and when we’re both calm, we’ll talk.”
Walking away is not running. It’s protecting peace.
4. Don’t engage with disrespect.
If they start name-calling, attacking your character, or saying things meant to hurt you, don’t engage. Say, “I’m not going to respond to that. When you’re ready to talk respectfully, I’ll be here.”
5. But also ask yourself: Is this a pattern?
If your partner consistently chooses quarreling over peace, if they refuse to communicate respectfully, if they always escalate instead of de-escalate, that’s not just a conflict style. That’s a character issue.
And you can’t fix someone else’s character. That’s between them and God.
What you can do is decide what you’re willing to tolerate. And if peace is non-negotiable for you (and it should be), then you have to be willing to walk away from relationships that refuse to honor that.
SELF-AWARENESS: THE FOUNDATION OF PEACEFUL CONFLICT
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: if you don’t know yourself, conflict will expose you in the worst way.
You need to know:
– What triggers you
– Why you react the way you do
– What childhood wounds you’re still carrying
– What patterns you learned growing up
– What trauma you haven’t dealt with
Because if you don’t do that inner work, every conflict will become an explosion. You’ll say things you don’t mean. You’ll react from pain instead of responding from love. You’ll hurt people you care about because you haven’t healed the hurt inside of you.
Self-awareness is what allows you to pause before you react.
It’s what lets you say, “I’m getting triggered right now. And I know that if I engage in this moment, I’m going to say something I’ll regret. So I’m going to step away.”
That’s maturity. That’s growth. That’s self-control.
And self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Which means it’s not just a nice idea. It’s a requirement for anyone who claims to follow Christ.
If you can’t control yourself during conflict, you’re not walking in the Spirit. You’re walking in the flesh.
And the flesh will destroy what the Spirit is trying to build.
PRACTICAL STEPS TO IMPLEMENT THIS WEEK
Alright, enough theory. Let’s make this practical.
Here’s what I want you to do:
1. Identify your conflict style.
Are you avoiding? Accommodating? Competing? Be honest.
2. Talk to your partner about their conflict style.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we handle disagreements. How do you feel like you handle conflict?” Have that conversation before the next conflict shows up.
3. Commit to the XYZ framework.
Next time you’re upset, don’t attack. Use the framework. “When you did X, in situation Y, I felt Z.”
4. Practice active listening.
Next time they’re upset, don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Just listen. Repeat back what you heard. Validate their feelings. Then share your side.
5. Resolve it before bed.
No matter what. Even if you’re still upset. Even if it’s not fully resolved. At least agree to revisit it tomorrow. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
6. If your partner refuses to engage peacefully, seek help.
Talk to a pastor. A counselor. A trusted mentor. Don’t just keep repeating toxic cycles hoping they’ll magically change. Get help.
GOD’S WORD
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”— Romans 12:18
Notice it says, “as far as it depends on you.” You can’t control how they respond. But you can control how you show up.
You can choose peace. You can choose self-control. You can choose love.
Every single time.
CONCLUSION
Conflict is inevitable. But quarreling? That’s a choice.
And today, you’ve been given the tools to choose differently.
Active listening. The XYZ framework. Resolving before nightfall. Self-awareness. Peaceful boundaries.
These aren’t just nice ideas. They’re game changers.
I’ve seen them work in my own life. I’ve seen them save relationships that were on the brink of destruction. I’ve seen them turn chaos into peace.
But here’s the thing: you have to actually use them.
Knowledge without application is just information. And information without transformation is useless.
So the next time conflict shows up (and it will), I want you to remember this article. I want you to pause. I want you to choose peace over pride. Understanding over winning. Love over anger.
Because that’s what love does. It doesn’t quarrel. It resolves. It heals. It grows.
And you deserve that kind of love. The kind that doesn’t destroy. The kind that builds.
So go. Practice. Grow. And watch how your relationship transforms when you stop quarreling and start communicating.
LET’S TALK
Have you tried any of these methods? Or maybe you’re struggling to get your partner on board with peaceful conflict resolution?
Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need guidance, reach out privately:
📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800
💬 Share anonymously: https://ngl.link/gloriainspires
